Surprise… it's a baby!

The week leading up to my pregnancy test I had a few fleeting moments of nausea.  I brushed it off as hunger since I was dieting (and doing well!  I had lost almost 10 lbs.).  I even told my Mom at one point "if I didn't know better I would think I'm pregnant, but there's no way".  My periods have always been wonky and that's why it took us so long and the help of fertility drugs to get pregnant with Parker. After the struggle we went through I didn't think birth control was needed.  I hadn't had a period since July and so I figured I was just waiting for it to start.  Well on November 1st (The day after I passed my Board Certified Behavior Analyst exam!!!) I was at home in between work meetings and thought to myself I'll just pee on this stick and if it's positive it's still early enough to go get a blood test.  I didn't actually think I was pregnant, it was a ha ha thought. I only had a few pee sticks that were about 1 month expired, but I wasn't pregnant so it didn't matter.  Within seconds of peeing on that stick… BRIGHT PURPLE LINE!!

I immediately freaked out and posted on my Mom's board (amazing people BTW) and headed to the store to get a new test and a test that showed how far along you are because I hadn't had a period in 3 months!!! The timeline test said I was 5+ weeks based on my HCG level and the DR didn't have availability until Monday for an appt to see how far along I was.  HORRIBLE WAIT!!! As far as announcements go… they weren't quite like the last time.  I told Michael to just sit down and spit it out. We had a few choice words (Sorry Reid!) and were in total shock.  As for my parents I just told them as well, I didn't know how to feel.  This wasn't my plan.  I wanted to wait to have another baby.  I felt like that young teen girl who just found out she was pregnant because it was such a shock.  So different to have an unplanned pregnancy as opposed to getting pregnant with Parker.  

When my ultrasound came around I found out I was only 6 weeks along and was due July 2nd.  This pregnancy was 100% different than Parkers.  I only felt nausea the first few days and then just tired.  So of course the first thing that comes to mind… GIRL!! I really really wanted a girl, I almost didn't like how much I wanted it, I didn't want to be upset if this was going to be a boy.  At the start of my pregnancy I had a lot of anxiety (well throughout the whole thing).  So much that the night before my 8 week ultrasound Michael rubbed my belly and I took his hand away and said "don't get attached I don't even know if there's a heart beat.  I have a bad feeling about this"  The next day at the appt. I didn't look at the screen I looked up at the ceiling until I knew she could see something and expected to not see a flicker.  But there it was, a strong little heart beat.  The next hurdle was the gender ultrasound… and the wait to find out!! 

I scheduled the appointment and Michael went with me.  The tech was having a difficult time seeing the angle she needed and baby was being was being uncooperative and still so I went and got a soda and tried again.  We decided that we wanted them to just write it on a piece of paper and would look on our own later.  So the tech said it was still difficult but that she thought she could tell.  She wanted a second opinion to make sure.  Second lady came in and said yup that's the gender.  So we left and drove away.  While in the parking lot I looked and saw 3 amazing words DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL!  I started crying immediately and called everyone.  I had Michael stop at the store so I could buy girly things.  I was over the moon happy.  Later that day a cloud came over me, I couldn't explain it but I was having a difficult time calling the baby inside of me a her or a she.  I couldn't get the words out of my mouth.  I kept looking at the ultrasound image and was skeptical because the angle of the picture was different than most.  After 3 days of not being able to shake the feeling that this was wrong I called the place back and said I think you need to check again.  So I went in and a new tech lubed my up and put the wand on my belly.  I laid back and looked at the ceiling waiting for her to verify it was a girl.  So when the tech said "yup it's a boy", I told her "no it's a girl", as if she had been looking at the wrong baby.  She shrieked in fear and I looked up.  I knew instantly it was a boy.  It was so obvious at that angle.  They had the original two techs check again and yup BOY BOY BOY.  I just wanted to run out of that place, but the lady just kept talking and talking and then I couldn't take it anymore.  I lost it.  My little girl, I had her for 3 whole days and all of a sudden she was gone.  If they would have just said it's a boy to begin with I don't think I would had mourned "her" like I did.  The next 2 days were ver difficult, I just sat on the couch and felt tears strolling down my face.  I deleted all my social media posts about having a girl, all the text messages to people, hid the clothes I bought and the ultrasound pics that said girl.  After a while I finally accepted that I would be a Mom of two boys.  It was going to be fun watching Parker and a little brother. Next up was the anatomy scan.  Part of my still wanted the tech to correct the last ultrasound and say sorry it's a girl, but no, it was still a boy.  He took all his images and didn't talk to me like the last lady.  I kept asking is the heart okay, everything look good because a friend of mine had just had a baby with a serious hear condition and when that happens it makes you think it could happen to anyone.  He said everything looked good. 

That wasn't true.